It’s that time of year again when the trees turn golden and the nights draw in. A time of transition and change that I once adored simply for its beauty. But after losing my younger brother in October and two years later my mum, autumn took on a new meaning for me in a way that I suppose has been life changing. Not only do I have both of their anniversaries in October but their respective birthdays top and tail this month. It’s become a time of year filled with uncomfortable emotions and an involuntary upswing in my anxiety levels. Throw in a natural predisposition to SAD and it’s quite simply a quarter of the year I’d happily hit fast forward on.

If you, like me, are ‘experiencing’ grief, I’m sure you’ll agree it’s very much a matter of learning on the job. Years into the process and it can still be unpredictable. One minute all is well in your world and the next it isn’t. You feel hope and despair can chase it away in a heartbeat. A happy moment is almost certainly tinged with sadness at the thought of missing faces. And this is all in the midst of life and all its constant demands.

I wrote on My Life Detour about the many benefits I gained from reiki, in processing the emotional overflow I was experiencing around this time last year in the run up to my mum’s first anniversary. And I have to admit, as the schools went back this year, I almost found myself sitting in wait for the dark clouds to blow over me. I’ve come to live for spring and summer as sort of safe havens of emotional stability as well optimism that I personally find flows from the longer, brighter days of these seasons. But, much to my own surprise, I’m coming to realise that it’s not going to be like that this year. Of course, the run of sunny, dry days we’ve been experiencing in the UK instils a tremendous amount of positivity into everybody and everything.  But it’s more than just that. Another year of adapting to my new normal, has made something evidently clear to me, which I’ve been completely unaware of for the past few years. Joy is absolutely possible alongside grief! This small but hugely significant realisation was brought into crystal clear focus with the passing of another birthday. Like a bolt from the blue, I’ve come to realise that nobody can possibly live their life to its fullest, and in gratitude for the opportunity simply to be alive, by wishing a significant part of each year away.  Without wanting to be too melancholy, we really and truly don’t know how long we have to enjoy all that is on offer to us today. A point everyone is aware of and acknowledges, but rarely acts on. Me included.  But, I’m now resolute that I am no longer going to write off an entire season or two as a time of darkness, but rather acknowledge my slightly heightened emotions, whilst embracing the wonderful things that it offers. I now realise I need to enjoy and not recoil at the prospect of the shorter days and the golden hues that are soon to be all around, and be grateful for the opportunity to experience every minute of it.

This simple realisation has been a reminder to me that life is for living, and part of that is acknowledging difficult feelings, embracing them, but not allowing them to overshadow or encroach on the joy that life offers to each and every one of us. It’s up to us, and nobody else, what we do with the opportunities that flow simply from being alive!  We really shouldn’t be hitting fast forward on any of it, as I’ve sought to do on more than one occasion. After all, given the great pace at which life progresses, especially in midlife, it’ll be summer again before we know it!