Mother’s Day has just passed and I oddly found myself missing my mum more this year than last. Which is surprising as last year was the first one without her. But equally odd is the fact that I feel closer to my mum this year than last. This got me thinking, why on earth is this? Now, I am not all that woo woo, but I am just a little bit. Very much the pedestrian side of the line. My mum was too, but a little more so than me. She absolutely had a sixth sense, if you know what I mean. One holiday in Florence, she was desperate to leave our hotel which had formerly been a convent. All was not ok apparently; I was blissfully unaware. This sense, without ever really talking about it, also made her a real-life crystal ball. With hindsight, this comes with age and experience, not some mystic connection. But on some things, she just had an edge, that was, well, a little bit of magic.

I was fortunate to be exceptionally close to my mum. As close as two peas in any pod could be. I was also fortunate to be by her side when she passed. After a ridiculously complicated journey in the middle of the night, I made it to her bedside with a couple of minutes to spare. The reason I mention this is, firstly, I believe she waited for me, and secondly, I saw her spirit leave. The transformation in a person at that moment is undeniable. The one you love absolutely leaves their earthly body behind. In an instant. Only a shell of a life that once was remains. I had no idea, as I had never experienced this before. While an unquestionably harrowing moment, this was also oddly beneficial to me, as it severed my emotional tie to what remained. But, on the flip side, I found myself desperately chasing that spirit, the one I saw leaving.

Now, if you have experienced a significant loss, this will make sense to you. In amongst the devastation that it brings, I found myself scraping around for some connection, anything, to my mum. I asked friends who had also lost their mums, had they had any signs? Do you know if they are near? This all sounds crazy now, but in the immediate desperation that a grieving heart bestows upon you, I just wanted a definite answer that yes, absolutely, you’ll get signs that your mum is near. One friend said, you just feel them. Their energy. Forgive me for sounding truly ridiculous, but while comforted by this, I felt equally dejected as the weeks passed and I couldn’t feel my mum anywhere. I don’t know what, in the haze of grief, I was actually expecting. But I felt so truly devastated that my mum had just left me. Nothing! How did others have this connection that I didn’t? Fast forward a year, and I am more connected to my mum than I could ever have imagined.

With the raw emotion of loss, there is little clarity or sense in anything. But now, almost a year and a half on, I have a level of calm, that I’ve not had for several years. My brother’s loss, my mum’s dementia and subsequent passing made for a tumultuous period in life. The mere suggestion of calm was almost anathema. But now, I have a little breathing space. In this relative calm, I finally understand my friend’s wise words. I now realise my mum is everywhere as I have the clarity to see it. She’s in me, for a start. I can hear her in my voice sometimes. Usually when I’m shouting on my kids! She’s in the mirror. She’s in her grandchildren. They are like her in so many ways. She’s in my subconscious and my dreams. Sometimes, things just happen, that I can’t help but think she’s had a helping hand in. She’s around and always will be and I mean beyond the genes, which guarantee a form of eternal life. If you have suffered loss, rest assured that tiny things will just happen, that only you may notice. But you will get so much comfort from them. I like to think of these as a warm reminder that our mums and our loved ones never truly leave us. We are forever connected. You just need a little time, like most things, to realise it.